Seasonal Humor
Because holidays sometimes offer more reason than usual to laugh until you cry
Our everyday cards are great for…well…everyday stuff. Like celebrating birthdays, letting people know you occasionally think about them, or just telling your pain-in-the-ass friends that they’re getting on your nerves.
But seasonal holidays are even more special, right? That’s why there’s a special time once a year for each of them. And we have special cards for some of the most special seasonal events, too.
Jump to a product type:
Valentine’s Day Cards
Let someone know you love them. But let’s not get all sappy about it.
| Item # | Front | Inside |
| ZNPV01 | You’re my valentine. | I can tell because in my mind I always see you with a heart on. |
| ZNPV04 * | Let’s forego gross consumerism this year by forgetting about the bouquet of flowers, the box of candy, and the expensive dinner. | What do you say we just skip to where you tell me how wonderful I am, I smother you with kisses, and we hop in the sack? |
| ZNPV09 | I love you. | Weird, huh? |
| ZNPV10 | If we were in a country song… | …my dog and I would be sharing the double-wide with no one but you. |
| ZNPV11 * | You know what’s always better than doing something alone? | Doin’ it with you. |
| ZNPV14 | Valentine’s Day is a special day observed once a year for people like you and me to profess steadfast love for each other… | …and fuck like bunnies. |
| ZNPV16 | I can’t love you any more. | The needle on my love meter is already tilted all the way to the right. |
| ZNPV17 | I truly enjoy the pleasure of your company. | For some reason, that sounds so much better than “Wow, you’re hot!” |
| ZNPV18 | Every time I think of you… | My crotch twitches. (Happy Valentine’s Day.) |
| ZNPV19 | You’re the hottest thing in pants. | You’re even hotter with no pants. (Happy Valentine’s Day.) |
| ZNPV20 | You probably don’t know how much I love you. | If you did, you would probably dump me for being an obsessive creep. |
| ZNPV21 | Roses are red, Violets are blue… | I get really horny When I’m around you. (Happy Valentine’s Day.) |
| NEW: ZNPV22 |
I don’t get how Cupid shooting people with arrows is supposed to make them fall in love. | If I caught him trying that goofy shit on me, I’d open a can of whoopass on the naked little pudgeball. |
| * = top seller | ||
Mother’s Day Cards
Your mother deserves to know you’re thinking about her, but you don’t have to be too nice about it.
| Item # | Front | Inside |
| ZNP1012 | Morning sickness. Hormonal rollercoasters. Childbirth. 3AM feedings. Carpool. Playgroups. Teenage angst. College tuition. Motherhood is hell. | You’re a saint. |
| ZNP1014 * | If we weren’t related… | You’d be my best friend anyway. |
| ZNP1055 | I want to pay you back for all the expenses you have incurred on my behalf throughout my life. | Unfortunately, I can’t afford to. |
| ZNP1062 | I wouldn’t hesitate to give you first place in the contest for Best Mother. | If it weren’t for Bambi’s mom. |
| ZNP1063 | As a mother, you have experienced the discomfort of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, and zillions of minor trials and tribulations since then. | Better you than me. |
| ZNP1123 * | Mom, I love you, and I would love to take you on an all-day shopping adventure. | Bring your credit cards. Don’t worry, I’ll pay for lunch. |
| ZNP1124 | Mom, it’s easy to see where my good looks come from. | And Dad still looks pretty good, doesn’t he? |
| ZNP1130 | You are the most wonderful mother. | No, I haven’t been drinking. |
| ZNP1181 | You probably don’t realize how special you are to me. | You know, you really are one of my favorite parents. |
| ZNP1218 | You gave birth to me, fed me, clothed me, gave me shelter, and raised me to be competent, intelligent, and self-assured. | But I still can’t believe you had sex with Dad. |
| ZNP1228 | Mom, you have always been beautiful. | I guess that’s the reason behind my own uncanny good looks. |
| ZNP1250 | There are so many things I have learned having you as a parent. | One of them is that I should always have insurance that covers psychotherapy and pharmaceuticals. |
| NEW: ZNP1293 |
Fun Fact: Mother birds feed their babies worms and bugs so that they can grow strong enough to leave the nest. I was just thinking about the almost universal nurturing instinct of a new mother for her babies. | And I was also kind of wondering if you ever fed me worms. |
| * = top seller | ||
Graduation Cards
Graduates think they’ve made it to the finish line. Slap that stupid idea right out of their stupid faces.
| Item # | Front | Inside |
| ZNP1071 * | Today is the first day of the rest of your life. | Don’t fuck it up. |
| ZNP1075 * | Congratulations on your graduation. It’s the end of an era of studying, partying, testing, and summer vacations, and the beginning of an era of work, responsibility, stress, and long-term financial planning that will last until you die. | Wow, you’re screwed. |
| ZNP1097 | You’re my favorite teacher. | Can I have an A? |
| ZNP1122 * | So you’re graduating… | They just don’t flunk anyone any more, do they? |
| ZNP1183 | Graduation… Time to start arriving on schedule, get & keep a steady job, find a decent place to live, and pay for your own meals, transportation, insurance, entertainment, toiletries… | Did you think hazing was just a college thing? |
| ZNP1202 | You’re graduating! What an unbelievable adventure. | Unbelievable is the key word here. |
| ZNP1203 | Congratulations on your graduation. | Now what? |
| ZNP1204 | It’s such a challenge getting through years of school, passing the tests, and finally earning that degree. | Frankly, it’s kind of surprising you made it. |
| ZNP1219 | Things are going to be so much quieter around here after you’re gone. | Finally. |
| ZNP1231 | My lifelong ambition has been to make something of my life. | Maybe you should give this idea a little thought yourself. |
| ZNP1232 | Congratulations. | For whatever it is that everyone seems to think is so darned great. |
| ZNP1252 | Congraduations | Defined as: The result when otherwise wise and attentive educators are conned into allowing certain students to graduate. |
| NEW: ZNP1292 |
You’re matriculating in front of your whole class? | Um…well, at least wash your hands when you’re done. |
| * = top seller | ||
Father’s Day Cards
Sure, Mother’s Day gets all the attention, but fathers deserve a little love, too. Or at least a measly card.
| Item # | Front | Inside |
| ZNP1055 * | I want to pay you back for all the expenses you have incurred on my behalf throughout my life. | Unfortunately, I can’t afford to. |
| ZNP1088 * | You’re the perfect Dad. | Here’s where you say, “It’s easy when you have the perfect child. Do you need anything, like a new car?” |
| ZNP1091 | If I were your child… | …I’d be proud to call you my father. |
| ZNP1092 | You’re the best dad I could ask for. | If I asked for another one, you would probably smack me. |
| ZNP1125 | Dad, I think I’ve turned out pretty well due to your influence. | Thanks for being Mom’s sperm donor. |
| ZNP1181 | You probably don’t realize how special you are to me. | You know, you really are one of my favorite parents. |
| ZNP1182 | The best thing about having a dad like you… | …is knowing that my dad was cool enough to raise a kid like me. |
| ZNP1229 | Dad, I have always been proud to share so many good traits with you. | But considering what Mom says when you’re not around, sharing those good traits might just be coincidental. |
| ZNP1230 | Growing up with you as a parent, I always thought I’d turn out a little screwed up. | As you can see, I’m not always wrong about everything. |
| ZNP1244 | If there were more fathers like you in the world… | …things would really be in shit shape. |
| ZNP1250 | There are so many things I have learned having you as a parent. | One of them is that I should always have insurance that covers psychotherapy and pharmaceuticals. |
| ZNP1251 | As I have grown, I have always thought of you as a strong role model…a moral compass and guiding influence to help me develop and maintain a stable and fulfilling life of my own. | But now I know better. |
| NEW: ZNP1294 |
Father’s Day is a special day set aside each year during which every father is expected to want to do what the women in his life think he should want to do. | Happy Father’s Day. And act like you enjoy it. |
| * = top seller | ||
Hanukkah Cards
Even if you can’t eat a pig, you can still be one! Prove it with a Hanukkah card from Zippernut Press™.
| Item # | Front | Inside |
| ZNPJ01 | When people tell you to sit and spin… | …I hope you know they’re not really talking about what you can do with your dreidel. |
| ZNPJ02 * | Hanukkah, Schmanukkah. | I’d really like some bacon. |
| ZNPJ03 * | If you’re dating a guy and he says he’s got a wick that’s been burning for eight days… | …you’d better hope he’s talking about his menorah, or you’re probably in for a round of antibiotics. |
| ZNPJ04 | Consuming oil and eating dairy products are traditions for some Jews during Hanukkah. | What do you say we spend a little time with some flavored massage oils and a can of whipped cream? |
| * = top seller | ||
Winter Holiday Cards
Help spread a little holiday jeer by offering Zippernut holiday singles and boxed cards. Will people really buy holiday cards that are snarky? Yep. And not just boxed cards, but singles, too. We know from experience.
Winter Holiday Singles
We currently offer ten Winter Holiday card singles, including Christmas and non-Christmas themes.
| Item # | Front | Inside |
| ZNPX01 | You know what a mess little birds make when they shit in mid air? | Just think what Santa’s reindeer must do. |
| ZNPX02 | “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.” | You, on the other hand, might want to go ahead and ask for a whole new face. |
| ZNPX03 | Oh, the weather outside is frightful… | And so is the idea of a walking, talking, pipe-smoking snowman named Frosty. |
| ZNPX06 | If you wake up in the wee hours of Christmas morning to the sound of sleighbells, and there’s a jolly, plump man in a Santa suit in your house… | Open the door, run like hell, and don’t look back. |
| ZNPX07 | You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen? Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen? | Get real. No one does. |
| ZNPX08 | Imagine a land where creatures that are shorter than you and look quite a bit different work all year long making toys for Santa Claus to give to children on Christmas, for little reward other than the knowledge that these toys will be a joy to kids they don’t even know. It’s usually called Santa’s Workshop. | But sometimes it’s called China’s Sweatshop. |
| ZNPX17 * | He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good,… | Wow, creepy. |
| ZNPX20 * | I would ask if you have been naughty or nice this year… | …but I already know you’ve been nice and naughty – just the way I like you. |
| NEW: ZNPX22 |
There may have been tobacco in Frosty’s corncob pipe… | …but the kids who saw him laugh and play were obviously smoking something else. |
| NEW: ZNPX23 |
Santa liked Rudolph best. | He knew all of the other reindeer were just brown-nosers. |
| * = top seller | ||
Winter Holiday Boxed Cards
Boxed cards are packaged in a clear plastic box, 10 cards and 10 envelopes per box.
| Item # | Front | Inside |
| ZNP-BX-X01 | You know what a mess little birds make when they shit in mid air? | Just think what Santa’s reindeer must do. |
| ZNP-BX-X03 | Oh, the weather outside is frightful… | And so is the idea of a walking, talking, pipe-smoking snowman named Frosty. |
| ZNP-BX-X06 * | If you wake up in the wee hours of Christmas morning to the sound of sleighbells, and there’s a jolly, plump man in a Santa suit in your house… | Open the door, run like hell, and don’t look back. |
| ZNP-BX-X07 | You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen? Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen? | Get real. No one does. |
| ZNP-BX-X08 | Imagine a land where creatures that are shorter than you and look quite a bit different work all year long making toys for Santa Claus to give to children on Christmas, for little reward other than the knowledge that these toys will be a joy to kids they don’t even know. It’s usually called Santa’s Workshop. | But sometimes it’s called China’s Sweatshop. |
| ZNP-BX-X17 * | He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good,… | Wow, creepy. |
| ZNP-BX-X22 | There may have been tobacco in Frosty’s corncob pipe… | …but the kids who saw him laugh and play were obviously smoking something else. |
| ZNP-BX-X23 * | Santa liked Rudolph best. | He knew all of the other reindeer were just brown-nosers. |
| * = top seller | ||
Winter Holiday Buttons
Spread some holiday smarm by sticking one of these where the sun DOES shine.
| Item # | Button Face |
| BTNX01 * | I’m naughty AND nice |
| BTNX02 | Frosty has snow balls |
| BTNX03 * | All of the other reindeer were just brown-nosers |
| BTNX04 | Ho? Ho? Ho? YOU A HO! |
| BTNX05 | Frosty would freak my shit |
| BTNX06 * | Don’t be a fucking Grinch |
| * = top seller | |
Winter Holiday Magnets
These magnets may not be strong enough to pull you to the North Pole, but they’ll have no trouble sticking to your strip pole. Or, if you don’t have one of those, maybe your fridge.
| Item # | Button Face |
| MGTX01 | I’m naughty AND nice |
| MGTX02 | Frosty has snow balls |
| MGTX03 * | All of the other reindeer were just brown-nosers |
| MGTX04 | Ho? Ho? Ho? YOU A HO! |
| MGTX05 | Frosty would freak my shit |
| MGTX06 * | Don’t be a fucking Grinch |
| * = top seller | |
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